Visions

I always have these “visions” of the way things are “supposed to be”. They rarely go that way, even before kids, but now especially. You know, the kind like Laura Ingalls and family running through the tall grass, all smiles… Or a picnic under the "old oak tree" in the middle of "the field"

I had visions of our family of four being outside together; the boys in their bouncies and mom and dad getting yard work done.

I had visions of getting their 6 month pictures taken and capturing those angelic faces on film so we could capture them perfectly, at this age.

I had visions of dressing them up in American flag shirts and having them hold flags, sitting by the flag outside, getting a couple more pictures.

It was our first holiday weekend together, just the four of us. We had been alone for the first time since we went back to work, during the week. We survived two days of daycare and no Grandma and no Grammy. Just the four of us. We were going to get things done around the house, venture out a little…

It only barely went that way… maybe ¼ that way.

We were outside for about 45 minutes. I had it planned; we were going to work around the house according to the shade. We made it through one side. I went inside with the boys and Barry stayed outside and worked alone.

Of course they didn’t both smile at the same time for pictures, they were both tired, Elliott pooped up his back (after we were done, thankfully, but later he threw up twice) and the sales person did an awful job helping us pick sizes, poses, etc. Of course they’re cute – they’re pictures of our boys; just not what was in my head.

Yesterday, Memorial Day, was full of occupying babies so that they weren’t both screaming at the same time. It w as probably a mix of being at daycare for two days, being outside the next, pictures after that and generally not feeling well… but they weren’t happy most of the day. Luckily Elliott only threw up once - in the morning, and Simon’s nose had quit spouting after EVERY sneeze, maybe every third. We did put the flag out, for about 2-3 hours before it started raining.

This is Elliott after pictures, passed out with Grandma

This is how tired Simon was after pictures - the next morning

It very well could have been that they are teething… WHAT?!?! My babies are teething? They’re babies!! HOW is that possible?

OK, stop with the visions… live in the moment. Keep what you have instead of imaging what you think you want. They’re already 6 months old. WHAT?! You ALWAYS hear people say that it goes so fast, you can’t imagine it. We heard it A LOT, from EVERYONE. But you CAN NOT IMAGINE, you can not explain how impossibly fast time goes.

Elliott and Simon are half a year old, already!! When I look back to that time in the dead of winter, what now feels like we could have been thrown into some sort of strange universe - recovering from surgery, being mom to two brand new babies, traveling back and forth between our new house and the hospital for two long months – it seems like a lifetime ago, already! So much has happened, they change every single day, and at some points I might have wished things had gone a little differently, but for the most part I wouldn’t change a thing! We aren’t running through tall grass, but what we are doing is somehow ;) much, much better!

Visions are nice, but I’m saving them for my nighttime dreams.

We're back! For a minute anyway...

Now this is silly, I haven't written here because there's SO much to catch you all up on... but then there's so much that isn't written because I'm waiting to catch you up... falling farther behind. I hope I remember most of the things I want to write here and actually do it some day, but for now you'll have to start in the middle. I'm not going to miss anymore!

Today is the boys first day at daycare... I dreaded it. And honestly the part I dreaded worst was trying to figure it out logistically. How in the world were we going to get ready, get both boys ready, fed, take them to daycare and still get to work on time?! I will catch you up on this part... we've been incredibly spoiled! They're just starting daycare now because we didn't want to expose them to too many germs during cold and flu season. They were born in December, peak cold and flu season. They're were two months premature so they're especially susceptible to RSV which can be very dangerous for babies. Now here's the spoiled part... both of their Grandma's have been watching them, at our house for the past 3 1/2 months! They come to us! The Grandpa's have given up their wives for the better part of weeks so that they can help take care of our family! We have no idea what it takes to get out of the house... we've done it for doctors appointments and a couple family gatherings, we even made it over night, once. But to do it and be gone all day, for us to be gone from them all day, how do we do that?! I think that last part is key. No one knows babies like their parents, and in our case, like their Grandma's too. How do we get them ready for complete strangers to take care of? What if Elliott needs to be rocked and they don't know to do it? What if Simon needs to be cuddled, and they don't do it right? If I'm so worried about all this, how come I didn't cry when I left? Or all the way to work?It hit me like a ton of bricks when I was envisioning how my day would go until I pick them up. I was thinking of what I would say when I called (because I was most certainly going to) - "Hi, this is Simon and Elliott Cook's mom, Beth" - verbatim of what I said when I called the NICU 2/3 times a day in December and January. This isn't new to them. Yes, they are used to us, and our routine, but they'll adapt. Just like they have from the time they were born. I think for this point though, the more important thing for me to remember is that this isn't new to me either, as a new mom I had to learn immediately what it was like to leave my babies in the hands of complete strangers. I learned that even though I didn't always like what was happening, I knew that they were well cared for.

And the bottom line now, is that I know they'll be well cared for at daycare too.

I know that ALL those germs they're being exposed to now, is somehow better for them in the long run.

I know that making bonds with new people is important for their development. They're making friends now that they could possibly have through elementary school, middle school maybe even high school.

I know that tonight will probably be a long, cranky night from so much 'newness'.

I also know that because I know these things, I'm doing the best that I can for them - the best I know how.

Not too bad looking for being up so early (and in the middle of the night - Elliott decided he was hungry, which is unusual - of course!)

So, we were up at 5:45, we both showered, the boys were fed and dressed. We took a diaper bag full of things I'm sure they won't even begin to need half of. We took more than enough bottles. Barry was able to go with us for their first day too; so they had Mom, Dad and Grandma to wish them well on their first day. They didn't even seem to notice. They did notice that even though they had toys in their hands there were a WHOLE lot more in the basket next to them!

Hey Dad, what are these things? Where are we anyway?

Never mind - TOYS!

It's OK Mom, we'll be fine!

I just called: I got it a little backwards - "Hi, this is Beth Cook, Simon and Elliott's mom..." They're doing fine, eating well. Simon hadn't slept much, catnaps here and there. Elliott was still sleeping, had been for almost 2 hours! Tonight should be interesting!



I'm also going to post a couple unfinished posts that I wrote way back and saved as drafts, thinking I'd go back and edit and/or finish them. No time now, you get what you get!

TWINS! Our journey to finding out about TWO at once!

I was going to document every single step of our journey - I didn't get very far, but you may as well be privy to at least this much ;)


Getting Started

There's not much to say here, thankfully, as much as I was worried (only because that's what I do, is worry) I thought we'd have all kinds of problems "trying". But Barry and I had thought about March - just after our "baby - moon" to Costa Rica (which was wonderful and still WILL BE POSTED some day!) - okay lets see what happens when we don't prevent and not necessarily "try" (which I was trying to tell myself to take some self-induced pressure off), which only lasted about 3 months before we figured it out!

Finding Out

I had a routine doctor appointment scheduled for Tuesday May 19th. Barry was scheduled to work late that night so he was going in late - which meant he was home while I was getting ready. I thought, hmm, I have tests, I don't think so, but he's here, I don't want to be surprised at the doctor and then have to wait until 9 pm or so before I can tell him... if it's positive. So I took a test and almost immediately is started showing two pink lines - positive. I stared at it for a while and then said "Uh honey, you wanna come look at this?" completely shaking. Here I had prepared myself for at least 6 months of worry and trying and... OMG... we work! The second pink line was fading in and out a bit because it hadn't been the full recommneded time so Barry says "that one is kind of light... what does that mean?" I told him that when one of these tests was wrong it was almost always a false negative... not a false positive, we were pregnant. Unbenonced to me he went to work that day not assuming we were. My doctor appointment got canceled and rescheduled for the next day - I then found out the next day that they don't do pregnancy tests in the office anyway. That night I picked up another test that says "PREGNANT" of "NOT PREGNANT", clearly. I had sent a picture to Barry but he hadn't seen it before I talked to him. He said he was glad that he heard it from me over the phone instead of from a picture... I figured he'd know all day - I did?!? ;) (This is my post, he can retract anything on his own post, but this is how I remember it). I went to the doctor the next day and they drew blood to confirm. We left for a road trip to GA with my parents the next day, but I was able to get the call to confirm, yup, pregnant :)

Original draft post date and time: 8/17/09 2:54PM

Just over a year ago...

... we found out we were pregnant! This is from that day...

I’m sitting here at my desk in dis-belief. I took a home test this morning that had two pink lines, meaning pregnant. Barry looked at it and said “it’s not that pink…” ;) Poor guy! He's got a lot to learn, and it's going to happen pretty quickly! I took the test this morning because I have my yearly physical with the doc today, and going into it I wasn’t sure if I’d be newly pregnant or menstruating… I knew if I found out at the doctors I’d freak out a little, we had the tests at home, Barry was home with me since he was going in late since he’ll have to stay late, I figured I’d just see. I hadn’t felt different at all. Until I knew… now I’m hot and nauseous… yeah, I know, it’s going to be a long 9 months!

Original draft post date and time: 5/19/09 9:42 AM

Schmed Rest

In other news of wild life-changing events, I bring you a post dictated by my honeypie!

So I said I was going to update you after appointments - well, this appointment was not without (what do I want to say...) adventure? The ultrasound tech at my regular doctor's visit measured my cervical length and it had shortened further, so when I saw the doctor, she took me off work and wanted me to go to Ingham Labor and Delivery to get things checked out, make sure I wasn't contracting, et cetera. Barry wasn't able to go this time, but luckily, I was able to talk my mom into going, so she was there to help me keep it together while I let them know at work. (Most of you know that I've really been hoping not to have to go on bed rest so that I can spend as much time with the boys afterward as possible. Now that I'm here, I know I'm doing what's best for all of us, and it will all work out regardless.)

Of course, they were very understanding at work, so we headed over to Ingham. Luckily, we stopped for a Whopper on the way which ended up being the only thing I had to eat for almost 24 hours! I spent about two hours at Ingham before they decided that my cervix was short enough that pre-term labor was a real possibility, and I had to be sent to Sparrow (where they have a NICU).

The ride to Sparrow was something I've never experienced before and hope to never experience again. The ambulance drivers were a couple of characters, which made it easier to deal with. They had the lights and sirens going the whole way - they called it the green light express. Luckily, Barry was able to get to Lansing on time to meet me at Ingham, so he knew what was happening and was able to meet us there when we got to Sparrow.

At Ingham, they had started me on a magnesium drip to prevent labor which they continued at Sparrow (and is also the reason I couldn't have anything to eat). Barry stayed with me until about 11:30 or so, and we thought I'd try to get some sleep (ha ha). Between the blood pressure cuff inflating every hour, the catheter being uncomfortable, and a painful IV, that's the longest night I've spent in a long time.

I was just barely waking up this morning meeting my new nurse when the high-risk doctor at Sparrow came in to talk to me about my options. He thought that because my cervix was the problem and not that my body wanted to go into labor, he thought a cerclage was the best option. Even though they aren't normally performed after 22 weeks, we decided this was the best way to keep the babies in there as long as possible. I should mention that this whole time, both boys look great and seem to be measuring just the right size, if not a week or two bigger!

So now, here I sit, on bed rest in Sparrow, as I dictate this to Barry, because of course, he's been by my side all day, doing whatever he can to make me comfortable. [And so handsome, too! -bcc] The doctor thought I might be able to go home to bed rest Monday at the earliest, so if anything changes between now and then, I'll have Barry update the blog to let you all know.

House Get!

In the interest of getting something written, I'm excusing myself from writing well. (I'll use Arial to indicate how poorly this prose was thought out.)

On our way to my folks' for Easter, we saw a house back in March or April of 2008, and went to an open house that June. Financially speaking, we shouldn't have been looking at houses then, but Beth fell in love with it, even though the listing price was way more than we could even think to afford. So after seeing what a "best-case" house at the top of our potential price range was, we got all our moneys and debts under control.

Initially, the homeowner was trying to sell the place herself, and when she listed it with a realtor, the price only went up. Heartbreak! Panic! Something. We kept looking back at the listing, and when it finally came down, we decided to talk to a few lenders and a realtor who had been nothing but patient with us in our early stages of looking.

Once we got pre-approval from a lender our realtor had highly recommended, we saw some comparables in August. Nothing came close to this house in any criteria (square footage, number of beds and baths, amount of work we'd need to put into it). The place was immaculate when we initially saw it, and after seeing some dumps, we had a whole new appreciation of what this place was. We decided we wanted to put together an offer and met with our realtor the next day.

Everything was going awesome from the time we wrote our offer (Aug. 31) through the home inspection (2nd week of September). We just went back and forth with the homeowner once to come up with a price we could all agree on. Inspection went great - no surprises, and the homeowner had taken such good care of the place that we shouldn't have much to worry about for years.

Even after making ourselves "golden borrowers" (lender's words), we had a crazy time trying to buy this house. From the appraisal forward, the whole process has just taken f-o-r-e-v-e-r. The appraisal came back $11,000 lower than we had offered, which meant that we'd either need to bring a whole lot more money to the table or get the seller to agree to a lower price. Fortunately, we were again able to come to a number we were all satisfied with after just another round of negotiation. We settled on a price and a closing date, signed a bunch of contract addendums, and thought we were in the clear.

We would have been, too, if it weren't for things going slowly with the lender every step of the way. We were asked for a ton of documentation 72 hours before our initial closing date, including a bill of sale for a broken waverunner (cash deposit of $500 in our bank account; buyer was out of state tending to a sick relative) and cancelled checks Beth deposited for the canoe trip. We had to provide new copies of bank statements, a letter of explanation about Beth's legal name (versus the name on the check written for earnest money), a copy of our marriage license - you name it, they asked for it.

Protip: When applying for a mortgage, be ready to provide documentation on any deposits you make that aren't from your employer!

Ran around, got stuff, took a day off in case anything came up on the day of closing, and... had to delay closing because our loan was still in underwriting. Had to write a contract extension because of it. So the long bank weekend (Columbus day) came and went, and things were looking good for closing on Wednesday - so good that I took the day off, and Beth made up time ahead of Wednesday afternoon to get out and get the deal done. No closing. (I got some work done on the car, so it wasn't a total loss.) At the end of the day Wednesday, all the involved parties got things set for us to close at 8:30 this morning.

When we showed up at the title company this morning, we figured we'd have plenty of papers to sign - but the underwriters (in Texas) hadn't sent everything over. We got through everything with the homeowner (who was leaving town) by 9:30, then we waited. When the documents finally arrived, no one could open them since they were locked with a password owned by someone at another branch office. By the third hour, things seemed laughable. By four, flat out ridiculous, and this was before we even had a final settlement amount for our down payment and closing costs. Everything after that was just waiting for phone calls and the Federal Reserve. Yeesh.

Protip: Don't wire money! Just go get the check!

Anyway, I was there all day and spent three vacation days, but now we own our dream home. We'll be moving within the next 30 days, just in time to get things set up for the boys.

Shame on me

I haven’t written on here in so long and there is an excuse for it… good or bad, there is one. There has been SO much going on that I felt like I would be doing an injustice if I didn’t blog about each piece of it. I started a blog about our pregnancy from the beginning to the 20 week mark - that was my plan. It’s not finished… so much happens in that time! I’ll post it someday, these boys deserve it! But here's what's happening now... 

 

There are so many things in pregnancy that I was not ready for. I have a lot of friends who have children and I’ve never been shy about asking what it’s like, some of them even share more than enough information on their own. I thought I knew there’d be things I couldn’t prepare for, but for the most part I knew what was to come. One thing I was definitely not ready for is the worry. And I know it will never let up, from here on out. I try to keep something in mind that a friend said though, she said that “they’re counting on you to be have positive thoughts, be relaxed and take care of them while they’re in there”. It’s been a bit easier keeping that in mind. Someday I’ll go back to all the things I learned being pregnant myself… but for now let’s continue with the present story, or I’ll never get anything documented!

 

Which brings me to the 20 week mark… yes, its two boys!! Barry is more excited about it I think than he’s letting on. He has playmates for life… we’ll see how long dad’s stuff is “cool” ;) Of course I’m thrilled that they’ll have a playmate for life, I won’t have to buy two sets of clothes and actually maybe I’ll save some money since it’s not two girls… let’s face it, girls clothes are cuter. We won’t have to worry about splitting their rooms up any year soon. And I couldn’t be happier about my two boys. I already have a bond with my special little guys – I just know they’re bound to be momma’s boys ;) I spend a lot of days wondering what they’ll look like. Will they have the same hair color, eye color, will one be a whole head taller than the other? Will they both be hockey players, tuba players, boy scouts, or fulfill their dad’s dream of playing Burning Wheel one day? Will they both like the same things or will we forever be running in two different directions? Or will they look so much alike that they’re mom has a hard time telling them apart?!? I can’t wait to find out! In the mean time... here's them, showing their stuff! (I wonder if they'll be mad at me someday for putting it ALL out there on the internet?)

 

Anyway, the 20 week ultrasound was a huge event. Barry was there and we planned on both moms’ joining us. Barry’s mom thought that his grandma might enjoy being able to experience something so special and we immediately agreed. Then it worked out that my dad was free during that time on that day, so he was able to join us too. I figured he may have some added interest since he grew up with twin brothers. When would he ever have the opportunity again? So including myself and the US tech we had 7 people in the room! We got to see all their parts and even witnessed baby B punching his brother in the butt! ;) Everything checked out fine otherwise too. We all went to breakfast together to celebrate. It was a great day!

 

About that time my belly started to really let loose… it was starting to FINALLY be to the point where there was no mistaking that I was pregnant. And since then it's just gotten bigger, about a week ago I had 3 people at work all on the same day say “wow, you really look pregnant!” Barry and I went to the MSU hockey game Monday night and for the first time I had a stranger ask when I was due… yup, it’s real! Not that it hasn’t been real the whole time, but like I said, there is no denying it now!

 

Along with a growing belly came movement. I thought that I felt something for the first time on our way back from Houghton after a delightful WMTU wedding, August 23^rd. I was driving and felt this odd sensation in my belly… I knew I’d never had gas like that. It was a couple of weeks before I thought I felt anything again, then for about a month there were these odd little sensations. One of weirdest things was when I’d be walking and stop and then it felt like my belly continued moving in that direction. Just in the past couple of weeks, and more so in the last week I can really feel them kicking and punching in there. I can’t tell what’s what, but they are definitely doing something!

 

So… shame on me… I’m finally writing something when we, for the first time, didn’t get a gold star at the doctor. I had another ultrasound on our anniversary, the 6^th. With twins there are more risks so there are more ultrasounds and more appointments. Barry wasn’t able to go with me this time, so I went on my own, which was fine – it isn’t terrible news, just news. My cervix is shortening. Right now that doesn’t mean anything, other than it could be a sign of pre-term labor. The good news is that the protein they tested for to see if my cervix was actively doing anything was not present. They advised to rest as much as possible, but thankfully didn’t put me on bed rest. Take it easy – no exercise, etc. and don’t ignore any signs. They’ll check again in two weeks to see if it’s still shortening. If it is then there’s a possibility that they’ll put a stitch in it so that it can’t shorten any more. Huh you say? Yeah, we’ll deal with that, if we have to. So yeah, shame on me… but at least now you know what’s going on! ;)

 

In other news… oh, only that we’re BUYING A HOUSE!! And not just a house… the house that we’ve looking at and I’ve been moving into mentally for over 1 ½ years! Barry has been working tirelessly over the past couple weeks with the lender and realtor to make sure we can close tomorrow. Even now I’m sure he’s on the phone with someone getting last minute requests to the lender. We had our 2^nd anniversary on Tuesday and while he got home late from work and he had to scarf a bowl of soup before rushing off to our prenatal class, there is no doubt that my love for him grows stronger every day. The closing has been postponed a week and while our frustration with this last minute pain in the butt stuff is increasing frustration, it's gonna happen!

We've been to several beautiful weddings this summer, had a very successful canoe trip, played for an entire week at Burt Lake, spent some time with family, registered for all things baby, and mostly enjoyed our time together... while we have it ;)

While we obviously have other things going on, I'm going to do my best to at least post something after doctors visits and since those will be every two weeks now this blog should be semi-regular again... now if only I could be! ;P